The Meal: "I mean, it's kind of doing what it's supposed to", said the inebriated German girl at 12:00 on a Wednesday night. That is the best that could be said for the situation, as phrased by a culture that sees coagulated blood in sausage form as a delicacy. The waiter had asked us what we wanted, and told us it would be awhile. Normally, I would take that as a sign of freshness ("really? you don't have one under the counter already?"), but I don't know how I could be so wrong. The fries, while molten, had taken on a taste of the cumulative flavours of the day. Not just one fry tasting like fish, and the another having some other interesting take on what a fry should taste like. Instead each fry had the taste of fermented ground nuts, that one soon realizes is what the average of every deep fried meet, fish, and snickers bar actually tastes like.
Many people have commented that chicken burgers are, in fact, not actually chicken, but cellulose and water with a dash of chicken stock to try and fool you into thinking it's an animal. I'm completely fine with that, if it were true. This is irrelevant to Al-Halal though. How do you know this is 100% meat? Because half the burger is tendons, veins, and arteries. Remember the sweet spot where the mayo should go? Well Al-Halal has no choice but to ignore this rule, otherwise how else will they cover up the talon sticking out through your bun.
Aesthetics: Fun fact! About half the chicken places in London are actually franchises under one company (the CEO is actually a quail, oddly enough). Al-Halal is one of these. The franchises change their names based on the neighbourhood (Brick Lane = Bengali = Not even going to try to be original with my name). If there's an ethnic identity missing from the neighbourhood, they seem to revert to picking a random American cities to name themselves after (anyone up for Tallahassee Fried Chicken?!). However, the idea is that, no mater the name, the inside has to be a shit show for this franchise to give it the 'local neighbourhood feel'. How does Al-Halal deal with this? Benches. Clean floors and kitchen. Matching furniture. A complete lack of crazy people screaming at each other. I'm sorry Al-Halal, but I know you're just another Dollar Chicken in disguise now. And I think it's pretty demeaning to your customers to try and hide that fact from us. I'm not coming in for a spa treatment, I just want a chicken burger, and to be potentially assaulted. You can keep your free hand sanitizer to yourself.
Price: £2.75. Am I paying 25 p more for protection money to keep the skag addicts on the street from coming in? You don't seem to understand that most people appreciate the uneasy feeling that a guy walking in with a needle hanging out of his arm gives us, as it distracts us from the uneasy feeling in our stomachs your food is giving us. Cut down your price, and stop trying to be so damn fancy.
This guy's got things to say! Let him in!!!!
Location: 63 Brick Lane. E1 6QL. I only tell you this for two reasons. 1) So you can find the place across the street that looked better (I think it was called Mystic Chicken or something). And 2) To prove that you should never go outside Brixton to find a chicken burger.
Final Remarks: -1/10. The only reason it was that high was that they had Dr. Pepper in a can. First time I've seen that.
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