Al-Halal Chicken: "The Shame of Brick Lane"

The Meal: "I mean, it's kind of doing what it's supposed to", said the inebriated German girl at 12:00 on a Wednesday night. That is the best that could be said for the situation, as phrased by a culture that sees coagulated blood in sausage form as a delicacy. The waiter had asked us what we wanted, and told us it would be awhile. Normally, I would take that as a sign of freshness ("really? you don't have one under the counter already?"), but I don't know how I could be so wrong. The fries, while molten, had taken on a taste of the cumulative flavours of the day. Not just one fry tasting like fish, and the another having some other interesting take on what a fry should taste like. Instead each fry had the taste of fermented ground nuts, that one soon realizes is what the average of every deep fried meet, fish, and snickers bar actually tastes like.

Many people have commented that chicken burgers are, in fact, not actually chicken, but cellulose and water with a dash of chicken stock to try and fool you into thinking it's an animal. I'm completely fine with that, if it were true. This is irrelevant to Al-Halal though. How do you know this is 100% meat? Because half the burger is tendons, veins, and arteries. Remember the sweet spot where the mayo should go? Well Al-Halal has no choice but to ignore this rule, otherwise how else will they cover up the talon sticking out through your bun.

Aesthetics: Fun fact! About half the chicken places in London are actually franchises under one company (the CEO is actually a quail, oddly enough). Al-Halal is one of these. The franchises change their names based on the neighbourhood (Brick Lane = Bengali = Not even going to try to be original with my name). If there's an ethnic identity missing from the neighbourhood, they seem to revert to picking a random American cities to name themselves after (anyone up for Tallahassee Fried Chicken?!). However, the idea is that, no mater the name, the inside has to be a shit show for this franchise to give it the 'local neighbourhood feel'. How does Al-Halal deal with this? Benches. Clean floors and kitchen. Matching furniture. A complete lack of crazy people screaming at each other. I'm sorry Al-Halal, but I know you're just another Dollar Chicken in disguise now. And I think it's pretty demeaning to your customers to try and hide that fact from us. I'm not coming in for a spa treatment, I just want a chicken burger, and to be potentially assaulted. You can keep your free hand sanitizer to yourself.

Price: £2.75. Am I paying 25 p more for protection money to keep the skag addicts on the street from coming in? You don't seem to understand that most people appreciate the uneasy feeling that a guy walking in with a needle hanging out of his arm gives us, as it distracts us from the uneasy feeling in our stomachs your food is giving us. Cut down your price, and stop trying to be so damn fancy.

This guy's got things to say! Let him in!!!!

Location: 63 Brick Lane. E1 6QL. I only tell you this for two reasons. 1) So you can find the place across the street that looked better (I think it was called Mystic Chicken or something). And 2) To prove that you should never go outside Brixton to find a chicken burger.

Final Remarks: -1/10. The only reason it was that high was that they had Dr. Pepper in a can. First time I've seen that.

London Fast Food: "The Innovator"

Pictured: Research

The meal: Dollar Chicken set the standard. LFF looked at said standard, water boarded it, sent it to Cuba and no ones heard from it since. Imagine the genius of the ageing process of DC, with a perfect spread of mayo, and only the crunchiest piece of iceberg lettuce. That's only the base for LFF. Get home and make sure you're sitting when you open that box, cause you're about to find some cucumbers, tomato, and a healthy handful of white onion. Savour the chicken as it dawns on you that, oh yeah, they seasoned that batter before frying. This is a serious challenge to the old school chicken burger orthodoxy.

Aesthetics: But, alas, a great burger in a terrible restaurant is like having the Mona Lisa in an Ikea frame. LFF aesthetic is best described as "waiting room chic". Heavy halogen lighting washes the otherwise unwashed tile wall. My personal theory is that they have it brighter than a pulsar in order to keep the local drug addicts away.

LFF applies these mistaken design principals to the outside of their building as well. Turning the corner ones eyes are immediately drawn to the sign outside. Inviting you to dine is a cartoon of a dead fish with X eyes, and what is undoubtedly a wood pecker. LFF's management team should reconsider their branding efforts if they want to cement their status as leaders in their field.

Price: 2.50. Burger, chips, and your choice of drink. On a wild night I am known to select the strawberry Fanta with Arabic markings.

Location: Maybe a better name for LFF would be "The Challenger". That's because they set up shop right across the street from Dollar Chicken. I think only the locals of Brixton will benefit from this heated rivalry.

231 Coldharbour Lane, SW9 8RR.

Final Remarks: 8/10. If only the ambience was as the burger. But you can't eat ambience, and that's certainly true if I feel that my retinas are being burnt out.

Dollar Chicken: "The Standard"

Photo: Jason Cartwright @ flickr

As the function of this blog is primarily a rubric for the various chicken burger options in the greater Brixton area, it's only appropriate to begin our ambitious efforts by tackling head on the legend that is "Dollar Chicken and Ribs".

The meal: Two white buns. Microwaved for 10 seconds inside the box. A fine layer of mayonnaise is added (the application procedure is key, as débutantes will inevitably attempt to apply this past the central sweet spot and onto the edges. NB! As any expert sandwhicher knows, this will end in disaster for you hands). A single slice of lettuce. Chips are salted and mayonnaise is added upon request (I always get it on the side to keep the chips crispy. No one likes a soggy white fry). Finally, the chicken. Lightly battered and fried. Slow cooked could be applied to this item, as it most likely has been under a heat lamp for close to 8 hours by the time you order. With a knack for detail (exactly one napkin, and some sort of mini wood fork for the fries, and the box placed perfectly in the take away bag so that the handles don't flip it when you're walking), Dollar Chicken delivers every time.

Aesthetics: A single table with two mismatched chairs keeps this place cosy and perfect for a date for two. The color pallet is a mix of hospital white walls with clashing, ultra bright, hand made signs offering other specials (I have never had anything else there, nor have I witnessed anyone eat anything besides the chicken burger, so these signs are clearly just for decoration). Indian music is generally loud enough in the open back kitchen that you and your significant other can enjoy the best of bollywood at the table.

Price: 2.50. And that's the problem. This is the price for the burger and chips. However, grabbing a coke will cost you an extra 50p. Given that local competitors throw this in at 2.50, it seems that the DC is riding on reputation alone, and may have to drop its prices to keep pulling the numbers.

Location: 238 Coldharbour Lane, sw9 - 8SD. Dangerously close to my apartment. Also close to Super Save, so fuck buying the coke at DC. Even though it will cost you the same, it will send a strong message to the chicken burger establishment.

Final Remarks: I'm going to have to give this a 7/10. I'm hoping this won't stir up too much controversy but my logic is as follows: Dollar Chicken provides the "dining out" experience we wish we could have every day, but could not possibly afford. The atmosphere, the music, the romance. Dollar Chicken has it all...but the Coke. And it's consistent. Almost too consistent, like they've lost their passion. Where is the flare? Where is that certain je ne sais quoi that keeps you coming back for more? DC is good at what they do, and many in the industry owe a great deal to the ground breaking work laid out by the old guard, but is this enough to persuade the demanding tastes of Brixton?